Limbo

I feel weirdly nostalgic at the moment, and I'm not sure why. I suppose looking back- and facebook stalking, a significant amount- has made me think about the fact that I'm growing up now. I only realise it when I see the people around me and how they're growing up and changing. Especially when those I was once close to are so different from me now. We have grown up and changed. And grown apart. All that really remains are those nostalgic memories of times I miss, in places I'd never want to go back to. They were great at the time, hence the nostalgia- but I know it was a time in my life that I wouldn't want back. School. Growing up. I loved it, but it's over- and rightly so.

"And I'm giggling again for no reason"...

I smile every day at work, as I pass fragrances to customers and feel like I spend half of my life in this completely fake smile. As the weather fades and it gets so dark, I've been finding it so hard to find a real smile.

But I'm going to. I want to be back to laughing so much that my sides hurt and giggling for no reason. On Friday night I felt like that. I felt young again and I felt like I was smiling and truly happy for a moment. It didn't last for all that long, but it felt so good that when it was yanked away I desperately wanted it back.

Working girl...

I have a job.

I have a job lined up for next time I need work.

Everything is keeping me in Birmingham rather than at home.

All in all, it's worked out even better than I ever expected it would.

Recent Blessings...

I have a lot to be grateful for at the moment. I've been going out teaching with the sister missionaries a little recently which has been wonderful; just to be with them and talk with them and feel that spirit of missionary work. Institute and YSA looks set to be really great this year, and I've enjoyed being at meetings to do with that.

"It is a hard thing which [is] required [of us]"

I was reading my scriptures this morning (just going through the chapters for Institute this week with a view to getting an overview and 'studying' later on in the week) and I was thinking about missionary work.

In particular, I was thinking about friends who have asked me questions about how difficult it is for a young man to decide to leave his life behind for two years in order to do what is expected of him as a member of the church. I was also thinking about young men who decide not to go, and why that is. Some young men who have been in the church all their lives make a decision not to go, where young men who have been in the church little more than a year feel totally compelled to go.

Thinking and considering with a need to ponder and pray

Well...
There is so much going on.

Jonathan is now Elder Mace, and is in the MTC in Provo... which is scary because in my mind he'll always be my baby brother, even though he's only 18months younger than me.

My life is starting to settle down.
I still need to find a job. That's the main issue right now.

Plus, I really have started thinking about what I want.
Where do I see myself in 10 years time?

Saying Goodbye again...

So, this weekend has been all about my brother, as is appropriate due to the fact that tomorrow he flies out to the MTC in Provo to learn Spanish for 6 weeks before flying out to Chile, Vina del Mar mission.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the sacrifice that it is to go on a mission. It has been on my mind because of Aaron, Alex and Ben who are currently serving; not just because of the sacrifice Jonathan is making. I have always known my brother was going to go on a mission one day, and yet somehow being here, in this position, it's still not the easy option. It would be so easy for him to have decided not to go. But I am glad that he knows that the gospel is true, and as such is going out there to share it.

Facing my fears

One of my teachers at school once observed that the reason I was confident to put my hand up to answer a question, but that I had no confidence in trying to act in drama was because of my complete fear of failure.

I suppose part of it is pride. Some kind of hideous self-adoration that makes me want to look good in the eyes of other people. But part of it is just because of how inadequate I feel about most things.

I am taking a gap year this year, due to a failed module at medical school which I have to externally retake. Second year, for me, will start in 2010.

the day of judgement...

So tomorrow is my first day of retakes and I feel so sick inside.

I actually really want to cry.

I've worked and worked but there's an overwhelming amount of things they could ask me questions about and I don't know everything there is to know on these subjects...

We went to the Hirsts' house tonight, and it was so lovely to see them all. Jon, Dad and Karl gave me a blessing for my exams tomorrow and it was really fantastic to feel the spirit and power that comes through the priesthood of God. I'm glad there are men in my life that hold that power to act in God's name.

Learning to Breathe

Well, I'm still here.

I'm still living and breathing

and talking and walking

and interacting and planning...

and to all the world I'm keeping up the appearance

of a girl who is coping.

And I am coping.

To some extent.

I'm kind of lonely at the moment. I haven't seen my High School friends in absolutely ages, and with Ben and Alex on missions (and my brother soon to go) and Monique in HK at the moment it seems hard to interact with the people I'd usually want to talk to. Hannah's getting married next Saturday and I won't be there, which is "meh"... doesn't matter, I'm sure I will see her soon afterwards at least.

The Time Traveller's wife

"It's hard being left behind. I wait for [him], not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays."

The joy of being a Young Single Adult

The title of this blog may come across as slightly sarcastic, and I suppose in someway I do mean it sarcastically. There are many things I struggle with in being a YSA (18-30 year old unmarried person in the LDS church). There are also many amazing things about it.

At the moment, YSA reminds me of the fact that I am unmarried. That wouldn't be such a problem, but when everyone around you is finding the person they're supposed to be with and getting all coupled-up, it makes you feel kind of lonely. Which is crazy- I'm only 19 and I'm already feeling the pressure. However, I could deal with it if all it was is pressure or the idea that everyone else is getting married. I could ignore those things. The worst part of it all is that I want to get married more than anything... so I'm incredibly jealous of married life.

Flu!

I'm currently in bed feeling extremely sorry for myself as I think I have swine flu.

I have a runny nose, temperature, sore throat, incessant cough/sneeze and am generally feeling a complete lack of energy.

I am not a fun person to be around at the moment!

I'm supposed to be revising but am finding it very difficult to concentrate...

Telligo! 9 days down (this is the 10th), 5 days to go!

I'm writing this from the computer room at Boundary Oak School.

I'm totally shattered from all the running around, preparing activities and trying to make myself understood by the children. That's the negative. Now, on to the positive things- and there are many! The children here are genuinely nice children 99.9% of the time, which is more than I could have ever imagined given that they're away from home for two weeks in a different country and getting little sleep (the timetable provides them adequate sleep but, of course, nighttime is far too exciting to waste sleeping... *rolls eyes*... hehe). As a counsellor I definitely find it tricky to keep patient with them all the time. On a very good day we get 5 hours sleep a night. We get only one day off a week and I've had both of mine already!

Family wedding!

Today, Kate Horwell and Richard Mace were married for time and all eternity!

It was a lovely day... I really can't sum it up. It was totally ideal and I was pleased to be there and see it!

Plus, it was great to catch up with people like Lauren, Andrew and my cousins! Laura and I had a good old natter, which reminded us once again that we need to stop talking about arranging to do things together but actually arrange to do them! I do love my family and friends.

But the words won't play...

Ben leaves to go to Preston MTC today...

I'm so proud of him.

Results and Paris

So the dreaded exam results came out and I have a few resits in August.

I passed 8 out of 11 exams, failing 3. It's not a wonderful result, but it was fairly close to what I expected. I have nothing more to say on the subject.

I went to Paris on Saturday, very early in the morning, for training with Telligo for the summer

camp (and-since the weekend- camps!) that I'm going to be working at. It was ok... a little disorganised, maybe, but fine. I met some really great people there, many of whom I'll be working with during summer.

Who knew?

I'm feeling particularly tense at the moment.

For one thing, my first year Medical School exam results are going to be out on Friday. I'm just feeling sick about it at

the moment. I believe in myself and I've worked so hard but these are the hardest exams I've ever taken. Each year is going to be harder than the last from now on. I just need to get through. The crazy thing is that I know I'd be a great doctor. I really do think that I will be a good General Practitioner, and the people who know me have equal confidence that I'd be well suited to this role. It's just jumping all the hurdles that are in my way, and hoping I don't knock too many of them over. Clearing them by the skin of my teeth is fine. I just have to clear them.

JUMBLE

The title refers to the way my world is at the moment- a bit of a jumble!  There has been a lot going on.

Some good and some not so, but the important thing is that I'm still smiling! 

Also, I've had some great times. Bristol Convention was amazing and I met some great people and spent time with people that I already knew were great. 

Life, Love and Laughter

Revision is going ahead, full-steam, and I'm also involved with looking for a job at the moment. I have two interviews this week, one today and one on Friday in Manchester.

Everything's alright.

Strange dreams and stranger emotions!

So, I woke up this morning after a strange dream; the second over the last two nights. This time it was about family and how I was trying to become reacquainted with distant relatives. It was odd because I was in their house apparently, and their daughter looked in through a dirty window and saw me standing there and I expected her to be scared, but she wasn't and she just came in and gathered the cat out of the bed and gave me an address. I think it might be because I was thinking about familysearch before I went to sleep. Odd, indeed.

To think about Jesus

I don't really like to preach, or spend my time pushing religious messages in people's faces. However, I guess because this is my blog it can be as religious as I want!
I really woke up feeling the spirit of easter this morning, and watched the following video, which I wish everyone would to take 4 minutes out of their day to watch to better understand and reflect on the significance of Easter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpFhS0dAduc

Essays, Shows, Conventions and Revision

It's finally Easter!

Essays have been written and handed in (and electronically submitted- eugh), I never again want to think about the Ischium and I'm moved back in at home. The latter was not as easy as it sounds! It required an awful lot of heavy lifting! But it's done now, and I probably won't move everything back in when I go back for the exams.

More Med School and Mayhem

So... this weekend, I did go for that bike ride! We cycled 11 miles on a gradual uphill slope on the Tissington Trail and stopped every mile or so for a break, just because we might as well enjoy it rather than absolutely kill ourselves. Thus, the 11 miles up took us nearly 3 hours and the 11 miles back (downhill) took us less than an hour! It was great fun, it really was.

It was nice to spend some time outdoors and enjoy the sunshine... well... enjoy the 'overcast-but-not-quite-raining' moments!

How fast time flies!

It seems like an awful lot has happened since I last wrote. My opinions on lots of things have changed and it's always interesting to be able to see how your perspectives and attitudes alter over time.
It's coming toward the end of the teaching year at Med School and I can't believe how fast first year is going. It makes me think that three years at Uni must feel incredibly short- I'm glad I've got four more years to look forward to. I can see why they don't set us loose on patients before then!

First Sunday of the New Year

The first Sunday of the year meant a lot of reflection on what I can do better this year, and how I fared in the last. It was a good time to think about it, and I made a few further resolutions to add to my list, though these were more personal issues- how I can improve in order to make past weaknesses into strengths this year.

Christmas 2008

Well, having finished my first term of medical school it was an interesting experience to head away from University and back 'Home for the Holidays' (as my Mom's Yankee Candle said!). It's given me some idea that I won't feel entirely settled for a while as there will be this constant to-ing and fro-ing between home and Birmingham. I guess that's ok for me as there's only a 30 mile journey between them, but I guess I'll be at University for longer than everyone else...