Facing my fears

One of my teachers at school once observed that the reason I was confident to put my hand up to answer a question, but that I had no confidence in trying to act in drama was because of my complete fear of failure.

I suppose part of it is pride. Some kind of hideous self-adoration that makes me want to look good in the eyes of other people. But part of it is just because of how inadequate I feel about most things.

I am taking a gap year this year, due to a failed module at medical school which I have to externally retake. Second year, for me, will start in 2010.



I'm looking at the positives.
It'll be a year full of new experiences; finding a job, earning money, working hard to try and fill my life with meaningful things instead of just going to school or uni and that being the main filling in my life sandwich.

There's a lot I can be doing. I can try and volunteer at a hospice or something like that, I can work, I can make sure I study hard and then maybe I can even fit in some other things... a language class or something else... but I won't think about that until I fill need number one: get a job. Once I have a job, I am sure things will fall into place. However, until that time, it's going to be difficult.

But, my course has got longer. My way is not barred. I have a good chance. I need to get the most out of this year, and then worry about the rest later.

And I need to remember that someone a lot smarter than me has a plan for me. I just need to get working, and learn the lessons I need to learn.