Learning to Breathe

Well, I'm still here.

I'm still living and breathing

and talking and walking

and interacting and planning...

and to all the world I'm keeping up the appearance

of a girl who is coping.

And I am coping.

To some extent.

I'm kind of lonely at the moment. I haven't seen my High School friends in absolutely ages, and with Ben and Alex on missions (and my brother soon to go) and Monique in HK at the moment it seems hard to interact with the people I'd usually want to talk to. Hannah's getting married next Saturday and I won't be there, which is "meh"... doesn't matter, I'm sure I will see her soon afterwards at least.

I'm constantly surrounded by people- for example the 36 french kids and 6 other counsellors here at the camp. It's pretty great really, there's no problem. I'm keeping busy. I'm meeting people. I'm making new friends. I'm earning money. The holes in my life are being filled. I'm getting on well with my family and I really love them. My friends are helping me... one of my old friends in particular is 'helping' me... well, he's trying to, in his own way, and that's nice.

There are just very few people in my life at the moment that I'm completely at ease talking to- the kind of people who you can be yourself around 24/7... I guess that's teaching me a lot. I'm really learning a lot of lessons about getting on with people and about taking responsibility for things... I mean, these aren't new lessons but you build on your experiences, right?

But, I've really been frustrated with myself lately... because I'm not a child anymore but I feel like I haven't really learned to be an adult. Does that make sense?

That's how I phrased it in a letter to Benj, anyway.

I was in Portsmouth for a day on my own yesterday and I had a good time, but it was dreadful to be alone.

Ok- there are pros and cons. One of the pros is that I'm thinking more. I mean, I keep having really deep thoughts that come to me and being thoughtful is quite nice. But, obviously one of the cons is when you end up walking round a shopping centre alone and eating alone and you are just exhausted of being alone. Then, when I got back to the school some of the french kids ran over to kiss my cheek. So, again, there's this bittersweetness where I know I'm learning from the experience and I'm being formed by it, but I don't really want to go through the trial to get there. I wouldn't have been so pleased to see the girls here if I hadn't felt so lonely. (D+C 29:39)

It makes me appreciate the people who are in my life.

I just have to wait in the darkness for a while with the faith that my eyes will adjust and I'll see that there are still things out there that are good, it's just unknown and different.

I really know that Heavenly Father never abandons us...

the Saviour's hand is always outstretched...

"Though thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear...

I know thine every thought and every care..."

Nephi knew the plan laid out for us to get back to Him and this knowledge caused him to write the words: "O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace!" (2 Nephi 9:8)

I am happy to know that there is more to this life than the obvious; that families can be together forever, that trials always end whether in this life or the next, that we are here to learn and put into practice qualities of divinity... and that we all really do have 'a divine spark'.

I need to go to bed- it's getting late and we have a whole day which is 'Harry Potter' themed tomorrow! Exciting stuff! Even more exciting than the giant (3m x 3m) Snakes and Ladders game I made today for the evening activity (it took me over 2 hours... well worth it, though!) :)

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