Who knew?

I'm feeling particularly tense at the moment.

For one thing, my first year Medical School exam results are going to be out on Friday. I'm just feeling sick about it at

the moment. I believe in myself and I've worked so hard but these are the hardest exams I've ever taken. Each year is going to be harder than the last from now on. I just need to get through. The crazy thing is that I know I'd be a great doctor. I really do think that I will be a good General Practitioner, and the people who know me have equal confidence that I'd be well suited to this role. It's just jumping all the hurdles that are in my way, and hoping I don't knock too many of them over. Clearing them by the skin of my teeth is fine. I just have to clear them.

I'm scared. I'll admit that. I just feel like I'm falling. My scriptures help, and praying. At the end of the day, I'm just going to have to say to my Heavenly Father, "I need help. Please carry me."

In my favourite film, Audrey Hepburn (as Holly Golightly) talks about the 'mean reds': "Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of." That's the best way to adequately describe my current feelings. I seem to have some insecurities and fears that are so deeply rooted now because of experiences I've had and because of worries that I've allowed to build. It conflicts with my natural personality! I feel like I'm split between myself and me.

Half of me is endlessly optimistic and still awfully child-like and naive. This half still believes in happy endings and fairytales and Disney-love.

The other half is increasingly cynical. It tells me that I should stop dreaming and realise that the best things in life don't always happen. This half tells me to stop reaching out for something and instead just to settle for something easily obtainable.

But which is more right?

I do actually believe with the more mature elements of my mind in happily ever after.

I believe in forever with my family and those I love. I believe that people have an inherent goodness, a "divine spark". I hope I never lose that faith. I hope life never gets so tiring for me

that I can no longer believe in the ability of human beings to strive for perfection.

I watched the movie 'Se7en' last night and though gruesome and pretty predictable, it made me think about people and how we each have our sins. Of course, it's not all black and white and those sins aren't necessarily the ones named by Dante, but each of us have challenges. However, we aren't punished directly for the things we struggle with... not if we try to move away from those things. Not if we strive all our lives to repent of them.

This world teaches us that it's unwise to believe in fairy tales. But in reality, life can be one.

The story begins with a King who has many children in His castle. He loves them but He realises that they can only learn a little while He is providing everything for them without them ever having to even think about what they need- it's all there. These children are obedient to the things He has taught them, but they've only ever lived within the walls of the castle and they really don't know any other way to live. One day the King proposes a plan: He is going to assign each of His children to live in different places over the land and they there will be able to live however they wish to. They are free to choose whether to live in the way that He has taught them to in His castle, or they can choose to live a different way. Ultimately, if their laws and His laws are compatible, they will be able to come and live back within their Father's Kingdom and they will then have all that He has because the experiences He has given them have prepared them for life as Kings and Queens. The challenge comes in that they will not be able to remember life in His castle. They will have to forget it for a while in order for the King to see whether they will choose His laws even without knowing with a certainty of the happiness it will bring.

The King also knows that His children are going to make mistakes while they are learning, and when they eventually stand before Him, He knows He will have to punish t

hem for those things that they have done wrong because that is the law. His firstborn son stands up in the meeting and tells His Father that He will be held responsible for those things His brothers and sisters do wrong, if they are truly sorry for it, so that they can come back to the Father's Kingdom. He promises to be faithful to His Father's plan throughout His own mortal life so that He can take on the burdens of the others.

Most of the children rejoice upon hearing this plan... hearing that they will be able to live back in the castle again one day when they have proved their worth and that their elder brother will ensure that they are not barred from their Father's Kingdom for mistakes they make and realise that they have made and are sorry for. They realise the beauty of what is being offered.

The children who do not feel the same way, but would rather stay in the safety of the Kingdom and simply be handed their own Kingdom without becoming like their Father contend against those who have rejoiced at the Father's plan and 1/3rd of the children of the King are banished. They are not given their land to grow and learn. They are lost and follow their leader into the far corners of the earth to try and disrupt their brothers and sisters who have been given land.

Those who keep their place in their Father's Kingdom are assigned their second estate an

d are sent into the land to grow and learn. They cannot remember their Father's castle, but a Book is sent into the land by the King so that His

children may learn about Him and what His plan was in sending them into the land. Some of them value this book and discover that there is a phone number recorded in it, a direct way to communicate with the King. Some read it and acknowledge that there is a King because how would this land have come to be without one?, but they do not realise that He is their Father and that the Sacrifice spoken of in the Book is of their brother and because they do not apply these things to them they live as best they feel they can and even adopt some of the laws of the Book, but they ignore the laws they can not understand the value of without using the helpline number given in the book.

Those who use the number sometimes talk and talk and then hang up without getting a response, and then keep their phone on silent so that they do not hear it ring when the King is trying to respond to their query. His secretary is forever trying to pass messages on to the King's children, but sometimes they just don't hear the phone ringing or they choose to ignore it.

Sometimes life goes smoothly for the children. The King has his hand in a lot of it. He is aware of those of His children who are hungry and low and afraid. Often He tries to call to one of His other children to make them aware of this need. He needs them all to fulfill their assignments.

The King is pleased when those children who have heard of Him share that message with His other children and He is pleased when He can see that His children are doing what they

can to learn about Him and to speak to Him and to live in such a way that they will be able to live in His Kingdom. When they fall short, those who know about their brother's sacrifice can turn to Him. He has had many long phone calls from children who are in despair because of something they have done or neglected to do, and He is able to hear their sincerity and when they tell Him they will never stray from that law again, He can reassure them that their brother, who loves them, has taken this away from them. They can still live with their Father again.

This fairy tale is truth. The King is our Heavenly Father and His Son is our Saviour. We cannot give up or despair. We cannot let cynicism take over and make us forget entirely the King to whom we may return one day. And through all the tense moments, that's all that matters.