"And I'm giggling again for no reason"...

I smile every day at work, as I pass fragrances to customers and feel like I spend half of my life in this completely fake smile. As the weather fades and it gets so dark, I've been finding it so hard to find a real smile.

But I'm going to. I want to be back to laughing so much that my sides hurt and giggling for no reason. On Friday night I felt like that. I felt young again and I felt like I was smiling and truly happy for a moment. It didn't last for all that long, but it felt so good that when it was yanked away I desperately wanted it back.

Recently I've had to do some re-evaluating and checking where I am right now, and honestly it feels like I'm just barely floating. I'm moving through life completely untouched by anything, possibly because I'm afraid to allow myself to feel. It took my Mom saying to me that she realised I'm having a hard time at the moment for me to accept myself that I'm struggling.

I'm tired.

There are so many things around to distract me and help me carry on and deal, but I think primarily I need to allow myself time for pain. I need to cry about it. I need to sob into my pillow (providing I've taken my make-up off, my bed sheets are white) and admit that I'm hurting. Then I need to get over it. I need to let myself be completely cheered up. I need to stop holding out for someone else to make the ache go away. I wrote in my diary that the feeling I have at the moment is like cold. It's always there but as you keep doing things, you forget to feel it sometimes and then suddenly it grips you with icy fingers and it feels like you are being stabbed by it. Or sometimes it's just this dull ache that you can only ignore for a little while.

"People have problems that are worse than mine, I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time."

The Wreckers

I know how lucky I am, but I think I need to allow myself to come face-to-face with my trials rather than just counting my blessings. I think I need to realise that admitting that something hurts is not a sign of unbearable weakness; it's a way of uncovering it so you can live life.

If you think there's a monster in your wardrobe, you have to open it. If there really is a monster you can't just shove it back in there and jump back into bed and live in fear of it opening. I need to face up to all of this and become an adult... someone who gets her washing done and keeps her room tidy and makes sure there's always enough food left in the cupboards for the week. Mundane, yes. Simple, yes. But I have to admit what I am not before I can become something different.

I have to stop saying I need a cuddle. A cuddle just means I want someone to assure me it'll all be ok. I have to stop hiding and allow myself to consider that it might not work out the way I want. It might not always be ok. He lets us struggle sometimes. I need to stop lying down and stand up and fight. I have fight in me.

I'm going to try and wake up with a big smile tomorrow and go and kick some ass.

I am going to be the best me I can.

No excuses.

xxx