My Biggest Fear

It seems like a pretty standard thing that each week I learn more and more about myself, other people and the world around me. It's such a blessing to be able to make discoveries and to progress because of them. Even if the things we discover are not about our strengths but our weaknesses.

While driving home from Birmingham yesterday with Mother (I spell it 'Mom', she likes 'Mum'- we'll just stick with 'Mother') we were talking about someone I know who is a really brilliant cook. We were talking about the fact that I am a complete novice in this area when Mother took it upon herself to point out that it isn't just cooking I'm not accomplished in; it's any domestic task. I tried to argue this point but had to consign myself to the fact that that's probably quite an accurate estimation of my abilities or lack thereof.

I usually blame it on not having enough time and then on being exhausted when I eventually do have time. I live at home at the grand old age of twenty-two and I have (doubtless) been spoiled by the advantages of such a life. I get a lot of support from my parents in my studies which means that I am not asked to do much around the house. They understand that when I barricade myself into the smallest bedroom (my office!) and only come down for ten minutes when I'm called for dinner, it's because I have a lot of work to do. They provide me with time to do it and I'm grateful for that.

However, I actually don't want to be a leech forever.

My biggest fear is that I will fail at the roles and tasks I take on in life. Of course, I am afraid of failing Medical School and not achieving my goals in my chosen field. Yet, perhaps more scary than that is the idea of failing in a relationship. Scarier still would be getting to a place far into the future where I'm failing as a parent. Time is no excuse for any of those things.

I was reading the DOH manual "Birth to Five" as part of my Community-Based Medicine module for this year and it was overwhelming to consider all of the things that a parent has to think of when raising a child. Reading that made me so amazed at the parents who do all of these things and cope so beautifully! In one respect it made me terrified at the idea of one day being a mother myself. Being a parent must take 100% of your brain-power, 100% of your patience and 100% of your energy! As scary as the role in itself is- I'm probably more terrified of getting it wrong due to trying to juggle that with my other roles in life.

Is it important to do well in my career? Yes.
Is it important to devote time to any children I may have? Yes.
At times, I'm sure those priorities will clash and I will have to make a decision about what comes first.

I have written before on my blog about my friend who said she could imagine me being one of those mothers who has a freshly-baked tray of cookies ready when my children get home. As terribly incompatible as that is with my chosen career-path; I have to say that I do want to be that person. I want to be a cookie-mom (and an eat-your-vegetables mom :-) ) one day.

For now- I want to succeed at Medical School. I want to succeed in relationships, and learn not just to wave a white flag of surrender at any opportunity just because I am so easily overwhelmed and pessimistic. I know that I always have my Heavenly Father's hand to hold and the strength He provides will be enough to get me through my present tasks. Maybe I am not strong enough or capable of achieving future goals yet- but I know that when I get there He will create miracles.

So I suppose fear doesn't really have a proper place here. I need to move forward in my life with faith.