The Fairness of Love and War...

This blog was never intended to be a place for me to rant or whine and I primarily feel that I use it to uplift myself (and hopefully others) when a boost may be needed. Yet, once in a while I like to write about things that are close to my heart. This is a public forum and I am acutely aware that this is not the best place to express my innermost feelings... yet, it is also a useful sounding ground.

Recently I have steered away from writing anything on here about relationships. I haven’t suddenly lost interest in them- not at all! I’ve been avoiding the subject because I’ve felt like my cards have had to be played very close to my chest lately.

I’m not talking about just things that have occurred between myself and other people; but things that have happened in the lives of other people around me.

Firstly- the success stories! This weekend I went to a beautiful wedding of two people very much in love; and I’ll be going to a wedding this weekend too. I’ve had a couple of friends who’ve become engaged in the past month. I have to take my hat off to all of these people. Goodness knows the things they have had to overcome in their struggles to find the person of their dreams. I hope they’re truly happy and I have every reason to think they will be. When I look at these people I like to think that this is my hope for the future, rather than referring to it as a triumph of hope over experience. I felt it was important to talk about these successes first to put my comments in context.

I know great things happen; I know people fall in love; I know marriages do last; I know that these things mean that people do get it right; relationships succeed; commitments are taken seriously.

So let’s move on to the real issue: Relationships that don’t work.

Break-ups.

The transition from “in love” to “I never want to see you again” or “What was I thinking?” or merely “I don’t care anymore”.

I was talking to a friend recently who reminded me of myself at a particular time after a horrendous break-up I believed at the time I would never recover from. My friend had been confused and hurt by someone who had professed absolute love for one moment and had simply moved on straight afterwards with no apparent backward glance, no real explanation and absolutely no loyalty to the relationship that once was.

I imagine a lot of people can identify with this situation, not just me. For me, it took me back to one or two memories of the moments in the aftermath of a relationship ending. I had a friend advise me at the time to “sit with the pain”. It sounded completely daft to me at first but looking back on that, it was incredible advice. It forced me to deal with the fact that it was over and when I stood up after having my (admittedly) tearful moment, I knew that I was leaving the pain behind me because I had cried it out. Awkward situations still followed as this person became a stranger to me but only 2 weeks after the end that I never expected, I was ok. Actually, I was better than ok. I was ready to move on.

That, to me, was such a big deal. I think when these kind of situations occur and it ends with someone we felt that we were really close to it is easy to put up walls around ourselves to protect our hearts from further trauma. I think that’s what my friend was intending to do and it was something I thought about. I knew, however, that it would drain me to live a life where I had nothing to offer someone new. I prayed and prayed to have my heart keep soft, my emotions intact and to have wisdom and temperance in reacting to anything that was thrown at me.

Honestly, I had two moments where I lost my cool completely. Other than that, my best friend told me how proud he was of the way I’d acted throughout. Break-ups are horrible enough without us compounding the problem; and I was determined not to. I think (and hope) that I succeeded in this. Though the guy in question and I will probably never really be close friends again, everything has been dealt with in such a way that I have no qualms about being around him.

My heart stayed accessible and it didn’t break.

When I see what my friend is currently going through I am disappointed with men. I think my disappointment is summed up by this C.S. Lewis quote:

“Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”

In this context, my advice to any men who read this would be to really think about what you say and whether you mean it. When she looks you in the eyes and tells you she loves you it’s because she’s thought about what your children will look like, what their names will be, the songs you’ll sing to them to put them to sleep; where you’ll live; which side of the family you’ll see on Christmas day... etc, etc, etc. If you’re any less serious than that I would say that you need to keep any thoughts you may have to yourself or express the feelings you really do have. You can be fond of someone without being ‘in love’ with them. If you can walk away a few days after saying something like, “I’ll always love you” then I would suggest that you need to work on understanding your own feelings before you approach another relationship so you don’t end up causing pain to yourself and to them.

Most of all- if someone has hurt you... if someone has let you down and disappointed you... it is vital that you forgive. Until you’ve really let go of the pain and emotional stress that you were put under there won’t be any moving on. Keep a soft heart. Get back up and try again. 

Love deeply. Dream of tomorrow. Cherish each moment. Believe in today.

And remember:  “Sometimes not getting what you want can turn out to be the greatest stroke of luck.”- Dalai Lama

I can't guarantee that I won't get hurt again... and again... and again... but it's something we do because we know that one day we'll gain something that will be worth every risk we've ever taken. Until then I am glad I can spend wonderful moments with the people I meet, hoping that most of it will go peaceably if it has to end.

I'm always going to be a hopeless romantic and I'm proud that after ever moment of heartache endured I am still a firm believer in Disney-love. I just hope that my friend is able to come through it and realise that we have all of that ahead.

All might not be fair in love and war but with a little bit of kindness and consideration we can all be happier.