Tiny Daily Triumphs

With a mere two weeks to go before fourth year of medical school begins you would think that I would be valuing the time off and I suppose, in a way, I am. I have been able to travel a little, read books and even tan within these few weeks. Wedding preparations have come on in leaps and bounds though there is still tons to do. I've had some wonderful relaxed weekends with Ben and have (anybody that does not enjoy sentiment, you might want to stop reading!) had more opportunity to get to know and love him. I loved him when we got engaged two months ago- but since then it's doubled. Part of that is that because of the difficulties of planning a wedding we are learning to work together and are becoming more acquainted with each other's strengths and weaknesses. He's finding out that I stress and over-plan; I'm finding out about the extremes of his laid-back attitude. There are many ways in which Ben and I are quite similar but in this we are polar opposites! Yet, we do work well together and I think we both trust each other to get it right. I like that he balances me and keeps me grounded so that I don't get overwhelmed.

I guess I've been able to do a lot, see a lot, relax a lot. Yet, I can't deny that I am itching to get back to studying. I want the intellectual challenge and the buzz I get from meeting people; patients, doctors or fellow students. I know that I'll hate myself for feeling this way the first time a consultant growls at me for not knowing something he expects that I should, or a bossy ward manager kicks off; but I want to get back. I've achieved so much already- I have passed 3 years of medical school, through some miracle. I've not been found completely incompetent (I've learned to cover it up!) and I've even had beautiful moments of positive patient feedback. Every day at medical school (and in a hospital) is reassuringly similar but refreshingly different. It is a highly structured chaos. It's a tough environment and some days I'd rather run and hide, but it's a wonder and it's amazing. You are trusted to share in people's lives at the most intimate and tender moments. I can't wait to carry on learning and having these experiences. I love having something every day that I have been moved by or that I've learned.

The thing about being at home day after day is that I can't account for all of the time that passes. When Ben asks what I did with my day very often I end up clutching at straws. Some of what I'm doing right now is essential and takes time (the invites- out soon- should be evidence) but some of it is more of a time filler. I can't help feeling like I've just got the sand being poured in to the container and it looks sparse for want of bigger rocks. The sand would still fit in around the big things that make up my day.

However, I have decided to focus on the things that have been achieved. This weekend, for example, Ben and I went to pick out our wedding rings. WEDDING RINGS...!!! I think we were both a little shocked by the whole experience. It makes the fact that we're getting married in under 10 weeks seem so real. Of course, we're excited (at least, he tells me he is!) but there is a little bit of anxiety and apprehension too. Sometimes we just look at each other with eyes wide and mouths dropped open in a little "o" of surprise. We've both had our individual dreams of this time in life but it's a whole different ball game when you realise that your dream is now a collective dream.... our dream... and it's rapidly becoming reality. I really don't think I could be happier (well, maybe if he lived closer!) and the reality matches and surpasses every expectation I've ever had of these moments.

Another achievement at the moment is that I'm actually getting quite consistent in my jogging. Having downloaded the "MapMyRun" app I've been enjoying planning routes and getting them done. I am never going to be good at running- it's not a particularly enjoyable thing for me and I've had 22 years of avoiding it at all costs- but I guess that's why it is such an achievement. I haven't bitten off more than I could chew and sometimes I wonder if I would actually be faster walking than my half-hearted jogging pace, but I have run about 3 times a week for the last 2 months. That's an achievement. During that time I took up some of the challenges on MapMyRun- I've completed a half-marathon over a two-week period; a marathon over a month (actually, I completed it in 21 days, but I don't get the trophy icon until 30 days). For someone that once had written on her report "Harriet is a capable, intelligent individual... except where rounders is concerned", I'm doing well. Each run completed is a tiny daily triumph...mostly because I haven't given up.

Sometimes our lives throw us huge challenges and we can marvel at how wonderful it is that we can accomplish something so huge but sometimes it's the little tiny moments every day that are the real successes. Like holding your tongue when you could say something that won't help or uplift; or, saying "I'm sorry" when it's difficult; or, forgiving someone; or, brightening someone's day by doing something unexpected. Maybe it seems to pale in comparison with some lofty ambition but often these every day occurrences are more character-building than the long-term goals that we have.

To quote something that I have up in my room:

"It is day by day that we work out our plans for the future. It is day by day that we achieve our goals. It's one day at a times that we raise and nurture our families. It's one day at a time that we overcome imperfections. We endure in faith until the end, one day at a time. It is the accumulation of many days well lived that adds up to a full life and a saintly person." 

- D. Todd Christofferson

Let's recognise our daily triumphs- no matter how tiny!