Prove Me

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"...

I think this quote from 'A Tale of Two Cities' (not yet on my reading list though I'm sure it'll make it one day) really sums up life at the moment.

Often we are told that when wonderful things happen, bad things often occur alongside or around it and my family have certainly seen that in action recently.

Two engagements happened within a week of each other; I guess that could be where the nightmare started for my mother. The stress was suddenly piled on her to find the strength, calm and cash needed to sort out the weddings of two of her daughters. Of course, we were all determined to ensure that despite the stress, these events were seen for what they really are: celebrations and joyous occasions. Yes, it would be a big ask but we'd do it because it was really a wonderful thing.

Since that time disaster has come at our family from any direction it possibly could. It's attacked finances, health, relationships, hormones and cars. As a unit, we have been bombarded with trials; some individuals more than others. This weekend I was talking to my future in-laws about trials and about a talk given in conference by President Eyring where he told of a time when he prayed for a trial. I don't know whether any one in my family has been trying out his tactic, but I'm fairly sure that if they were doing so they will have stopped now having received exactly what they were looking for.

Driving home this weekend I put on the EFY soundtrack from 2006- which had been the theme and songs the final time that I attended this religious camp, as a 16 year old. There's a song called 'Prove Me' on the CD and as I sang along and listened to the words I couldn't stop tears from rolling down my cheeks.

The words are as follows: 

Fearless heart unwavering faith

The kind of courage and conviction that it takes 

To leave your home behind or part the Red Sea 

I wonder did God plant that kind of strength in me? 

Just a seed now but maybe it will grow 

'Till prison walls crumble down around me 

And I've escaped unscathed from the lion's den 

When I have walked so far the handcart starts pushin' me 

Until then ... Prove me 

Centered on the wheel like clay in your hands 

Ready to be shaped and molded by your hand 

And If you'll take this heart willful as it seems 

And through your mercy refine me until I'm complete 

Though I'm weak now you can make me strong 

'Till on a wall arrows cannot harm me 

Until my faith leads me into a grove of trees 

When every nail's in place before the rains and floods come down 

Until then ... Prove me 

I will step into the fire so your love can purify me 

And I'll stay until you say I am through 

Wash away all the flaws and every earthly imperfection 

Until my will turns to you 

Until I trust without hesitation 

When humility has chased away the pride 

Until the day and through your grace I'm welcomed home 

Until then ... Prove me

Whilst listening I thought about the fact that the things that we are going through, though difficult, are part of the plan. Heavenly Father would never abandon us and He is showing His love and support throughout the difficulties which are being faced.

Recently my sister was involved in a car incident from which she was incredibly blessed to walk away. No one in the car was injured. That was a miracle. The thing is, it would be easy to look at this path that we're on as a family and see that it is clearly not the one of least-resistance. Who would want to walk this road of peril that we seem to be continuously facing? Yet, I am glad that we're on it. I'm glad that I know we're all walking this road because it is shaping us. We are learning and that can be a painful experience, but I know that ultimately He is letting us prove to ourselves how much we love Him.

I sometimes wonder how deep that bond of faith goes, and how much I would be willing to endure. How much will He ask of us? Though my personal trials aren't heavy at the moment it obviously hurts to see family members who certainly can't say that right now. Perhaps I won't ever be asked to push a handcart or build a boat; but I am asked to remain faithful even when things get tough.

Do I love God to the tune of personal discomfort for a time?
Do I love Him enough that I will love Him even if I am in pain?
Will I love Him if the people around me suffer?
Would I still follow Him if he chose to allow something to happen that I couldn't imagine in my most awful nightmares?

Often people talk of religion as a crutch. Sometimes, when difficulties happen, it's not a crutch at all. If these were all random events happening to us as a matter of the chance occurrences of living, that would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to look for sense in it because I would know that there was none. It takes real strength to stand when you know that Heavenly Father could easily redirect these trials and even prevent them, but for whatever reason He doesn't. Sometimes I can echo the words of C.S. Lewis, who said:

“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.” 

What's the reason that God sometimes seems to make things difficult? The reason is that He loves us. He wants us to grow.. and this is also a testing ground. He knows our potential and how strong we can be but He wants us to prove it. He wants us to prove that when we don't have enough strength, we will turn to Christ and use His because we understand the atonement. 

I wonder did God plant that kind of strength in me? 

This line in particular made me cry, because sometimes I don't know. I think that maybe I'm not that strong. It's so easy to feel weak. However, I really do believe that He has given me the potential and will yet give me the experiences and opportunities for growth to become so much more than I am so that I can achieve everything that He has set out for me. That's faith!- because I definitely don't see that in myself now! This faith makes it so much easier for me to accept things that happen and to see what I can learn but it doesn't make it any less heart wrenching to see people going through trials or even to go through them yourself.

What sums it up is this:  “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” ― C.S. Lewis

I definitely wonder sometimes how painful things will get and how bumpy the road will be. But, this path has led me to such significant happiness already, never more so than over the last 6 months. In two months' time I get married to, quite simply, the most wonderful person I know. Yes, it's going to be a huge change for both of us and I'm sure there will be some challenges but these are changes and challenges we have chosen and we have control over a lot of the outcome. Just because it's a great thing doesn't mean we won't need Heavenly Father's help- we do, whether life is rough or smooth. It just happens that at this time life seems to be throwing out bumpy seas. I am grateful that we're in this experience together.

I'm grateful that we're in families so that we never have to walk through our trials without hands to grab hold of and the comfort of associations.

All I can really do is meet challenges head on, try and maintain positivity for those around me and say to the Lord, "Ok, then. Prove me." 


Good times aren't ahead- they're right here! Yes, they may be tangled up with the difficult times but it's all a matter of whether we choose to see more of the light or more of the dark. The emphasis we place is our choice, and it would be boring and shapeless if it was all one colour.