It's taken me a while to know what I wanted to write about next.
Life for me has been so very interesting for the past few months and I'm taking it all in and reflecting on the lessons to learn.
One thing I've learned is that no man is an island. We all rely on each other for so much and that's exactly as it should be. That's the plan and that's how it's intended. I see that a lot in my studies. As a 'Firm' of Medical Students we spend time together in teaching sessions. Often consultants throw difficult questions at us and everyone squirms because, whether we know the answer or not, we are petrified of messing up. Sometimes we unintentionally imply ignorance by silence rather than speaking up with the correct answer. Once it is supplied by a student or the consultant, everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief. Sometimes we get opportunities to practice examining patients. Today we practised on each other. Maybe that doesn't sound so scary but actually it involves a lot of trust and a lot of humility as we show each other how we think something is done and risk failing in front of everyone. And you can't fake it when one of your colleagues has your hand pressed against their abdomen. If any one of us is getting something wrong- this is the time to find out and correct it. We have to tell each other. We have to correct each other. We have to give proper feedback and be willing to accept criticism. Ultimately, in every instance of life, we all learn together. I'm learning to love medicine and the acquisition of knowledge through others.
This is where I am right now. And I'm still trying to work out who I am and where I fit. I am fortunate to have a lot of those answers at my fingertips through the scriptures. I also learn from those around me.
On Tuesday Nights I help out with Young Women's Activities. A group of 12-18 year old girls from our church get together and we put on an activity for them. This Tuesday we did Indexing- which is the data inputting of old census records into a digital format so they can be used for people researching their family history. It sounds so boring - right? - but the girls got so into it and a few of them do it at home. Why are they so interested? Why is it so fascinating? The scriptures call it the Spirit of Elijah and I really feel that that is so tangible in the moments where we do work for people who once lived. When we looked through their names I started to think about all the things we learn from the past. There's so much. Who you are, and who I am, today is a product of events in our past. It is a product of who are parents are and where they decided to live; who their parents were... and so forth... through generations. It is a product of the decisions that we have made.
When I look at my past I see a series of doors that all used to be open. I could have chosen any door. But my choosing a door led to a door closing and the next door led to the next closing. In the story of my life I have rejected as many adventures as I have had. That may sound depressing but it's actually quite beautiful to think that all that possibility lies behind and ahead of us.
At the moment I have become temporarily obsessed with a series of books called The Hunger Games- which is fitting as I believe the film will be coming out soon. I'm reading the second book at the moment (so no spoilers please) and I am quite excited by the possible endings. I am not a fan of Twilight, but I have to say that The Hunger Games has that flavour. Katniss Everdeen is the main character and though it is not a story all to do with romance (and actually the romance is my least favourite thing about it) she is in a situation where she has two options in the form of two wonderful men: her best friend, Gale, and her (until recently- secret) admirer, Peeta. As I'm reading it I'm aware of the whole "Team Gale" and "Team Peeta" situation. However, I actually am completely divided. I love them both. I want to read both endings- the one where she ends up with Gale and the one where she ends up with Peeta. I will be totally disappointed with either- of that I'm sure- because I don't want the doors to close. Both adventures seem so wonderful to me and I want to know the end of the road in both cases.
In my own life I can be quite like that: completely unsure of the doors that I should close. Often my decisions have been made for me because I have delayed and been so scared of taking a leap of faith. I am delaying my happiness in the "here" because of the past and present "then". While I'm in this corridor I am determined to find my courage, heart and brain so I can know with a certainty what to do, who to be, who to love and where to go. For all that, I am happy with where I am right now despite my meandering through up until this point. There's a possibility that I will be and have always been guided more than I cared to imagine.
I'm just going to have to pick up my pen and write a few more pages. I know the words are not always my own. For that, I am so very grateful.
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