Seasons of Love

I am having a little bit of a low moment.

I ran into the kitchen of my house tonight fully expecting to see Ben there... I guess my mind had decided to play tricks on me. I ran in, acting like a fool, with a big smile on my face wanting to be spun around and to share my laughter with someone.

Instead, I raced in there and stopped. I was confused for a moment. My face fell. And then it hit me and I missed him so much I wasn't sure whether my heart would burst with the emotion of it. My heart just sank. So I came upstairs and cried. But what really struck me was how long it has been since I felt as excited as I did when I momentarily thought I was rushing into the room to share a joke with my best friend.

Don't get me wrong; I love my life. There are some real highs. But I can't help but think of the quote: "I don't want to look back, I want to keep looking ahead. I'd hate for my defining moment to be my past." --Scott Hamilton but... the thing is... that is how I feel sometimes. I feel like being with him was my day in the sun. I guess I just have to hope that a new day dawns... maybe even a day brighter than the last... where he can hold my hand and make me feel like the most wonderful person in the world.

More than anything, I miss his laughter. Sometimes when I heard him laugh I was surprised that so much joy could come about as a result of something I'd said or done. With him I felt so special. I was blessed because I was the one who had the chance to make him laugh.

There are still tears in my eyes... but I'm happy.

I disagree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all- I find the concept ridiculous- but I am blessed because I have loved and I haven't lost him yet. He's out in the ocean right now, but not sure far away that the tide couldn't wash him in.

Heavenly Father is so supportive. He sends me amazing friends that make me smile so much. I just want to keep going; keep busy so that I don't end up sending Ben emails that let him know I am having moments like this- no point in making him anxious to get home!

I'm anxious enough for the both of us!