Yesterday for Family Home Evening we gathered around and listened to a talk given by Elder Holland of the Twelve Apostles, called 'Remember Lot's Wife'.
It summarised a lot of what I have been thinking about myself recently. I have had opportunities recently to look back and, in doing so, to consider my future.
It was important for me to focus on what I want. My decisions are often made by instead focusing on what I think I'm worth, how my decision affects other people and whether I can see the end and it looks easily achievable. I am scared to reach for the stars in case I fall.
But, when I think about it and when I've pondered over the things that I truly want, I've realised that if we don't climb, we can never really be content. The grass will always be greener on the other side if we stay with our feet touching the floor, refusing to turn our gaze upwards.
It's interesting that I read Paul's letter to the Philippians today because it has so much in that about how we can do nothing on our own strength. I love 3:3: "..have no confidence in the flesh."
In reality, there is my answer. I have been unwilling to trust my own decisions and therefore have been allowing others to guide me along, for bad or for good. However, my confidence is right not to be placed in myself, but it should be placed in my Heavenly Father.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in The Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."
Right now, I need to have the courage to face the choices that need to be made and take them to the Lord. He wants me to be moving forwards, not backwards. My faith in Him should be pointing me toward the future.
I've been holding grudges and seeking to have a kind of 'closure' on my past. More than anything, I am the kind of person who can talk something over for hours, days, weeks, months, years. I do this because I get determined to be understood. I don't really mind if someone agrees with me but I have to have them understand where I'm coming from and sometimes that can be a bad thing especially if the thing that is being over-explained is a point of contention. As it becomes more and more obvious that the best thing to do is to simply move on, I am realising that situations like that are best left alone.
If they aren't then you do unnecessary damage to a person when really you should merely accept that though there is no reason to be uncivil, the problems between you are too great, and that instead of trying to desperately build a bridge over a chasm- perhaps you are better to admire from a distance.
I am not used to giving up on people or relationships and I am not changing my views on that now. I will always be a friend to those who need me. However, I need to consider what my own needs are so I know what is essential for me. For relationships where I seem to be putting in the majority of the effort- I need to not bear any grudge to the other person and not eke out the painful ending of something by getting upset. I have to allow them to be able to move on with full dignity intact and with full confidence in themself. That is love. When something is over but you still care enough to not want to spite them to have proved your point.
Let them be able to introduce themselves to new people in the words of Robert Browning, saying: "Grow old along with me- The best is yet to be!"
It is essential that as we strive to achieve and learn and grow- we allow everyone else to do the same. I'm realising this and working on this. I hope that as I reflect on these things and the kindness in forgiving that I wish other people to do for me, I will do the same for others.
Because, at the end of the day, what is the point in walking upwards if we're not doing so together?
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